Backyard Feeder

Backyard Feeder
photo taken through porch screen

Monday, November 13, 2006


I was shopping for books and heard a familiar voice. "Stop reading and start writing" it said. I hear this a lot lately and I'm getting sick and tired of it. Since I can't think of another way to stop that voice, I'm writing. I was supposed to write a book, but I can always use the things I post to this site as chapters in a book when there are enough of them.

Sometimes I feel like I'm running as fast as I can in the dark. I don't expect to know how things are going to turn out or what the future holds, but I feel like I am being guided but am not sure where I'm going. If I were running my own life, I would have an end in mind and a plan to reach it. Without that, it just doesn't feel comfortable.

I know God led the people of Isreal for 40 years in the desert before taking them to the promised land, and that it was everything they had dreamed of when they got there, but I am not an Old Testament Jew, I'm a 21st century American. We value our freedom because it gives us control. It's very hard for me.

I come from a very ordinary family. My parents are still together. I had a very Mayberry childhood. I grew up expecting to have a working husband, a home of my own, and the freedom to take care of my family and home full-time. I have no problem with working a bit to help out, but I want to be available for my children.

I married a guy who had a different childhood, but many of the same ideas and values. I was going to be a stay-home mom and he would earn enough to support us all.

But he started going through jobs like there is no tomorrow. After the first few years, he could not keep a job through Christmas for anything. It made for some really bad holidays.

He was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. That explains some of the domestic violence issues we had early in the marriage and also the work problems. He has a mental health disability that makes it impossible for him to be the sole or primary bread-winner.

Our whole life went upside down and worse. Not only could he never totally support the family again, but he can't do the at-home job either. If I don't do it, chances are good it won't get done. I don't like that. It leaves me with a lot of work and not much to show for it. I expected to be living well by now, but we are in worse shape financially and housekeepingwise than we were when the boys were toddlers. He is afraid of crowds--so he can't go to most school functions. He refuses to attend teacher conferences. Those things were always my responsibility.

The problem is that I am doing his job and mine, too. That's too much for one person. So I do it all with God's help because otherwise I couldn't do it at all. I have faith that God will bring us through this and that eventually I will have a home and some security. I have faith, but I don't have a home and I don't have much security.

I'm waiting.

I'm waiting.

"Write a book and sell it for the money to buy a house. "

"Who are we kidding here--houses are expensive, books are cheap"

"Just do it"

"Who? Me?"