GETOLIFE

Launching my business

2011-12-28T12:50:00.001-08:00

My husband overspent on what he got me for Christmas and I’m totally excited. It’s a workshop. My husband asked if it was alright to spend the $375 to sign me up for the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, and while we agree that it is a lot of money for someone planning to quit their day job, it could also be invaluable for someone launching a writing career. I’m going to Ohio in April! Alone! To meet with other writers and the people who work with writers! It’s an opportunity I hadn’t really dared to dream of!

We have just learned that Social Security Disability has a “back-to-work” plan that includes 9 months of checks after a job has started. We notified them when Troy started truck driving and we were worried because we were getting checks, so he called the number for “back-to-work” information and learned that it was not a mistake and we will not be paying any of that money back, so we are using it to help launch my business. We used one check for the workshop and we will pay for a room reservation with the next month’s check. We do have to bring in the check stubs for these nine months as soon as they are over to verify everything, but with full-disclosure, we shouldn’t have any problems.

I’m a little nervous about this workshop. I’ve never been to any sort of writers’ workshop and I don’t even know what to wear, much less what to say or do. I’m pretty sure there will be other mere mortals at this event and there’s time enough that I can do some research before I get there.

Is it really ever right for a religious person to divorce?

2011-10-07T21:54:00.000-07:00

Question: I am struggling with the possibility of divorcing my husband. He has been violent during his recent episodes and I currently have an order of protection keeping him away from me. I still love him and we don't believe in divorce. I know God doesn't want us to live like this, but what can I do?

My response: Maybe I’m the one who’s supposed to chime in with the Biblical references to support you in protecting yourself. As was already mentioned, your father God would never wish abuse on any of his children and would want and expect you to protect your child as well as yourself. You can’t help your husband unless you are safe and sound.

People who are in the throes of a bipolar episode, whether it’s manic, depressive or mixed, are capable of doing serious physical and mental harm to the people who are trying to help them. When lifeguards are trained, they are taught to use special tools and techniques because a person who is drowning tends to thrash about and can easily pull their rescuer down with them if that rescuer is not fully prepared and trained. People with mental illness often behave in a similar way and may do damage that they don’t intend in an attempt to keep their own heads above water. The order for protection is one tool that you can use to keep from getting pulled under. Don’t throw it away until he has made some serious steps toward wellness.

An appointment with a psychiatrist should be mandatory before you cancel the order. It would be great if he could start on medication before you start to drop your guard. You aren’t refusing to help, you are refusing to be pulled under with him.

Now to the religious stuff. In the Bible it says that “God hates divorce” which seems pretty straight-forward, but the meaning of those words has changed over time and in different cultures. What God hates is the breakdown of the loving relationship which pulls marriages apart. Divorce is not a legal term here, it is talking about the human relationship.

Sometimes it is necessary to put a little space in a relationship when someone is unstable to avoid allowing that person to do irreparable damage. If you drop the order and allow things to return to “normal” your husband may feel that he can go back to the way things were, go to one therapy session, put off seeing a psychiatrist indefinitely, and eventually lash out at you in episode because he hasn’t done anything to manage the illness. THAT COULD FORCE AN END TO THE MARRIAGE. You could be physically harmed. Your child could be physically and emotionally damaged. Occasionally someone is actually killed in a psychotic episode.

Your best chance at saving your relationship, something that God and the Church value greatly, may be by making sure that he is serious about getting help for himself before you let him off the hook. If it gets to the point of actually filing for a divorce, that isn't the worst thing that could happen. You can always get back together and even remarry if he gets stable enough to be a partner again. That gets harder if you allow him to do too much damage before you take a stand.

Maybe you are confident that he will follow through. You know him better than we do. But we have seen these patterns before and people do get hurt.

God loves you and so do I. I don’t want to hear that you have been harmed. I never left my husband against all sorts of advice, so I can’t really fault you if you drop the order and work things out on your own. That’s what I did and I’m here to tell of it, but please be careful. No one will fault you if you protect yourself and your child. Not even God.

Life on the Home Front

2011-08-16T19:23:00.000-07:00

This is the second day that my husband is at his orientation for his new job as a truck driver. I'm pretty proud and happy that he is doing this, not least because it takes some of the stress of supporting the family off my shoulders. He calls each evening and we talk about our day. He's doing fine. I'm NOT doing drugs...though sometimes it sounds tempting.

Being home alone sounds wonderful. Until I realize that I'm not alone. I'm with a roommate/friend who might also have a mental disorder. She is a bit paranoid--hey, maybe they are out to get her, what do I know? And she thinks that she has the only valid point of view. I can live with that because I'm used to irrational thought and being able to not take it personally or seriously. Unfortunately...

I also live with my son and his fiancee. I love this girl, but she takes everything personally and tries to argue with insanity. YOU CAN'T WIN! Yes, I yell it in hopes that she'll actually hear me and let it sink in. Nope. Two mildly irrational women arguing about nothing until everybody's mad and...get this...it's all MY fault. I even get a call from my son (he's at work) telling me that I need to apologize because I made his fiancee cry and she called him to tell him. WHAT THE....

I'm on vacation from my day job, so I guess I've become the de facto referee. Thanks, but I don't want that job. I want to retire and be a professional writer and publisher and spend my spare time marketing the books that I've written. I don't want to spend forever in the middle of crazy. I've been there and I didn't like it and MY crazy got himself help and takes pills to ward off crazy so I can live in peace. I think dropping lithium in the water supply to this house might be beneficial.

I read something today about addictions and abuses of prescription drugs and I heard about someone, husband of a friend, who can't get in to see a psychiatrist without a therapist's referal because they are afraid patients are just trying to get drugs. Huh? There's a black market for lithium? They hand out Ritalin like candy and lock up the mood stabilizers and wonder why the world's gone mad? Start handing out mood stabilizers like candy and keep your amphetamines under lock and key and see what happens. It would have to improve things.

So, my bipolar husband is stable, working, and living a normal healthy life while I am still home living with crazy. Sometimes I think it's not him, but me with the problem. Any other crazy magnets out there?

Stone Soup--or how to eat better with less

2011-08-09T05:47:00.001-07:00

I'm not really ready to tackle this topic yet, but it came up in a conversation that it is too expensive and too much work to eat healthy. I just don't buy into that way of thinking. Yes, there is a lot of cheap and easy junk food out there, but there is also a lot of cheap and easy healthy food. How hard is it to bite into an apple? ...drop a chicken in the crock pot?...toss together a salad? ...make a sandwich from leftover sliced meat?

OK, I admit I'm a gadget girl--I actually HAVE a crock pot and a bread maker and a pasta machine and a twisty cutter and... so maybe those things are a little easier for me, but come on, there's so much more to food than Big Macs.

And while it is cheaper to eat nothing but Ramen Noodles or generic macaroni and cheese, unless you are a college student you're not going to convince me that you are doing that on a regular basis. Most of us aren't just buying cheap food, we are also buying overpriced and overprocessed foods as well because we think that they provide a convenience. Maybe they do, but at what cost?

One thing people seem to miss is that you don't have to put a lot of time and effort into cooking vegetables. Most of them can be eaten raw if you rinse them thoroughly and cut them into bite sized pieces. Use them to make a salad or serve them as finger food. Buy whatever is in season and cheap in your area and incorporate that into your diet. If you can't use it all, learn ways to preserve it--canning is work, but freezing can be as simple as putting it in an airtight bag. Some vegetables do better when partially boiled before freezing, but that's usually worth the trouble.

Another thing that seems to be common knowldge but we ignore it is that we really don't need as much meat. Did you know the most expensive part of your food budget could be cut in half just by eating half as much? The average fast food meal provides meat for three days, lots of white bread and starch and almost nothing else. Fill up on fruits, vegetables, nuts and whole grains. Sure those cost money but compared to the meat you are replacing they are an excellent value.

One of the books that I have in very rough draft form is a description of how we did, and how you can, create simple and healthy meals that satisfy your family, your budget and your schedule. Watch for Stone Soup to be released around Christmas 2011 as an eBook and later in paperback. The book makes this all much more concrete with meal plans and recipes that make food pyramid cooking simple.

Non-Fiction Writing

2011-06-23T18:25:00.001-07:00

I have published LIFE HAS ITS UPS AND DOWNS as an eBook on Smashwords.com and am working on doing the marketing for that and starting the editing of my new book

The second book is tentatively called “STONE SOUP” and is about feeding and providing for a family when you have very little money. It is another situation with which I am personally familiar and which I have managed to work through for myself.

I feel that the second book is relevant because many families that deal with a bipolar adult, do have financial issues, either because that person isn’t able to maintain employment or because of manic spending sprees. While neither is universal with bipolar, both are common enough.

It seems that I am become a non-fiction author and publisher, something I can’t seem to find a lot of information about, online or at the library. Since I really need to get this figured out efficiently and since I have a habit of sharing the information when I do get things figured out, I have decided to start a Yahoo! email discussion group and a Facebook group to connect with other non-fiction writers to pool whatever information we have.

If you are a writer of self-help or other non-fiction books or articles, consider yourself invited to join us on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_163995907000343

or on Yahoo Groups at: http://groups.yahoo.com/subscribe/indieauthornonfiction

Fear of Flying

2011-06-22T19:24:00.000-07:00

I guess I should be calling this fear of trucking, but that doesn’t have such a nice ring to it. My husband is all signed up for truck driver training. He is going to get some training, get a license, and get a good job so that I can quit my day job and work on writing.

To those who believe that being self-centered is part of the bipolar disorder, take note—it may be part of some episodes, but it is not a constant for people with bipolar. If your partner is always selfish, it’s not the disorder, you’ve hooked up with a jerk.

Ok, so the thing is that he has passed the DOT physical for the license and got the doctor to sign off that his bipolar will not affect his ability to drive safely, but I am worried that potential employers will see that he has been on disability for mental illness for the last several years and decide that they don’t want to hire someone with a serious mental illness on his record.

Of course he doesn’t want to believe that it will be a problem. Neither do I, but I know that stigma and prejudice are out there and with so many people looking for work, employers may find reasons to hire people who are physically and mentally healthy over someone who has been hospitalized within the past year for mental illness. He might not be able to get health insurance through an employer because of his history.

Because between my paycheck and his disability we are earning too much money, he doesn’t qualify for financial aid, so we will be taking out a loan for the full amount of his tuition, fees, books, etc. which means that instead of getting ahead and being able to quit my job, we may be in debt and I may have to continue to work even after I’d be able to retire in order to make up enough money to pay the debt off.

Maybe the books will do well enough that I will be able to use that money to pay the student loans. Maybe I’m crazy to be worried and he will find a job when he finishes his class and he will be able to pay the bills and the student loan and allow me to quit my day job.

Whatever happens, we are trusting God and I’m not going to panic. In case I forget and panic, please remind me.

Symptooms The Book Never Told You About

2011-06-17T22:00:00.001-07:00

As a member of support groups, I have come to realize that there are some symptoms of bipolar that aren't listed in the DSM but that are so common to people with bipolar as examples of some vague symptoms that are commonly listed that I think they should be listed. I don't write for the DSM people, but I write this BLOG.

These are the symptoms the doctor forgot to warn you about:

The book might mention hypersexuality, but what they don't tell you is that a person with bipolar may not be interested in sex for months, even years at a time when in depression or on certain medications, but will want to do "it" several times a day in every position in every location, sometimes with every person or all alone or with pictures or video or prostitutes or....you name it.

The book might say something about impulsive behavior, but it won't tell you that a person with bipolar can take a perfectly adequate paycheck and buy a gallon of milk, forget to pay the bills, and not have a dime left. The fact that there may also be absolutely nothing at all to show for it is a bonus. Or perhaps there are many things to show for it--and the fact that you have the trappings of a hoarder delivered from ebay on one otherwise beautiful afternoon is one surprise that none of the books will prepare you for. The doctor would never tell you.

The book might tell you that depression involves some slowing of functioning--it doesn't tell you that your depressed loved one might slow to the point of stopping--I worry that my husband is gathering dust when he gets stuck in his chair for days on end and I'm sure the cobwebs coming out of his ear are not MY imagination. I know he is miserable, but if I don't laugh I'm inclined to cry along with him and we might never drag ourselves out from under it.

What the book won't tell you is that depression doesn't necessarily involve sadness. Sometimes it's anger or irritability or stomach aches or head aches or just falling asleep and waking up several weeks later, ala Rip Van Winkle.

And the happy maniac of the book is a rarity, with mania more likely to occur as anger, irritability (see any patterns here), racing thoughts, forced speech,little need for sleep and a sort of feeling like you are wound too tight and if you don't keep running fast enough the spring is going to sproing.(I knew there was a good reason for that fast track.)

Alas, the symptoms in the book, the symptoms that the doctor diagnoses by, are dull, dry, stereotypical and clinical while the truth of the matter is much more interesting and lively and human and scary and real.

Up and Running

2011-06-17T09:21:00.000-07:00

My schedule for the bipolar spouse project has everything up and running by now, but the only thing really running is me and I seem to be running in circles. This is a lot more time consuming than I remember. Of course last time around I started with a captive audience at Prodigy and I didn't have Facebook and Twitter and Blogspot to worry about. I just had a simple website with maybe a couple dozen articles, the class, the discussion list and the newsletter.

The good news--or the bad news, depending on how it turns out--is that I am seriously looking for ways to quit my day job. In the past this wouldn't have helped much because I have a husband home on disability who wants my attention every two minutes when I'm at home. But if he's not home to distract me I can actually get some work done.

My husband is getting manic about truck driving again, something he did for a couple years about 15 years ago, and if he can actually get his act together and do it we will have a reliable income that is sufficient to support us, and I will have whole weeks of uninterrupted time.

Not sure I can handle that--been known to sit at the keyboard and work on a book project for days on end when not interrupted by something--but if I set a schedule for myself if just might work.

Thanks to a "social networking for authors" class by Kai Wilson, I will probably have a whole "to-do" list and a marketing plan to work with. I'm not sure I can keep up with the class right now, but I'm doing the assignments on my days off and taking notes. I will probably be tweeting about my blog posts before she's done with me and I don't even know what that means now.

I'm not sure how I feel about the truck driving thing. It is probably a good fit for my husband because he enjoys almost everything about it. He has a good driving record. He is stable on his medication and stir crazy at home. He needs a job where he is pretty much on his own because he doesn't get along well with most people if they spend a lot of time together. That's his big issue with the bipolar disorder--he doesn't play well with others and he's prone to telling the boss exactly what he thinks, which isn't usually complimentary. Not a lot of jobs out there where you don't have to deal with people on a daily basis. He's not prone to road rage--thank goodness, he can tolerate "stupid people" (his term) in other vehicles. He just can't stand to share a room with someone who isn't aware of his opinions.

Still, will he drop out before he he finishes the training? Will he finish the training and be unemployable because of his illness? Will he be employable, but uninsurable because of his illness? Will he quit or get fired a couple months in?

Life is full of risks. This one could pay off big or put us into debt for a long long time. Gotta love that manic energy. We're swinging for the bleachers here.

Being a writer is easy, being an author, not so much.

2011-06-13T22:25:00.000-07:00

I joined another authors' group today. If I spent as much time and energy being an author as I do talking about being an author... But I'm an advanced beginner and I have to learn somewhere. I joined a social networking class. Maybe it will help me to make better use of my space here.

I'm having some trouble now, wondering where I might be and what I'd be doing if my husband's bipolar disorder hadn't taken over our lives and forced me into full time employment outside my home. I had a good start at one time and might have made something of it, but life got in the way.

But of course that's just a sorry excuse for my own laziness. I could have kept a better hand in all along. I could have continued to build my online presence instead of letting everything fall. I could have; I should have; but I didn't. So here I am without a clue how to use all the pretty toys that are scattered around me.

I have this blog and I have a twitter account with several followers. I have a personal facebook account and can easily make a page for my publishing company, for my epubbed book, for my bipolar spouse project--but I don't even know where to start or how. My website is designed and I just need to fill in the articles and get the forums set up to my liking. Why is something that I could have done in my sleep a few years ago so difficult for me now? Am I really getting that old?

Tonight I need to sleep. Tomorrow I start fresh. Maybe I can make a plan to quit my day job if I can prove to myself that I can work independently. One baby step at a time.

Sanctuary

2011-05-30T07:53:00.000-07:00

Last year I almost lost my home when my husband went through a manic episode and mortgage payments disappeared into nowhere. This year my husband is only mildly manic and I'm liking this a lot more. The mortgage is paid to date and he set up my pond for Mother's Day.

That sounds so simple, but setting up the pond is a labor-intensive project. The "pond" is a black molded plastic preformed pond that our oldest son bought me for Mother's Day when we lived in another house. We brought it with us when we moved and it's been about 8 years. The area where we wanted to install it is in a small grove (my oasis) of trees, but digging through the roots makes installing there difficult.

I came home from work the Friday before Mother's Day and found that he had dug the hole, installed the pond, set up a pump to the waterfall, turned up the soil around the pond and filled with topsoil, filled the pond with gravel and water, set up lights around the area and bought wildflower seed. A bench that we had bought for the purpose was set up facing the pond. It was beautiful.

We added a string of can patio lights overhead, put out hummingbird feeders and planted some pond plants in the water. While cleaning up around the area, Troy (my husband) discovered that there is a sort of stone/concrete area that probably went all the way around the trees at one time. He cleared it off and it is a nice solid base for the bench.

If anyone is still wondering why I didn't cut and run when there was violence early in the marriage or when bipolar disorder was diagnosed, I think you're missing the point. Yes, I have a lot of stress in my life and I really need this quiet oasis in the yard, but I do have a husband who, even with his limitations, really loves me and will do anything in his power to make my life a little better.

Spring mania is a scary thing and watching all of this construction can feel a bit tense, but sometimes that pent up energy can be released in ways that make the world, at least my part of the world, a whole lot nicer to live in.

If you visit me you will see my sanctuary and you may even get "buzzed" by a hummingbird or two. That's peace.

Creativity and Spontaneous Fun

2011-03-04T15:24:00.001-08:00

I'm trying to do some self-help creativity therapy because I am launching the getolife Bipolar Spouse Project this summer and I need to be at my best. This post will probably be in the "history" because I intend to keep this blog and link it to the website. Anyway, I'm trying to get all of the best ideas out and get to my most creative self. I'm doing what I always do--reading about it.

Two of the books that I am reading (both primarily entrepreneurial business books) suggest that I need to do something fun and spontaneous. Hey, I work ten hour shifts and have NO money to spend which eliminates most of the written suggestions. I can think of some "spontaneous" ideas, but by the time I have time off work to actually DO any of them I will have them so perfectly planned in my head that they will be anything but spontaneous.

I mention the problem to my husband and he has an idea--the same idea he gets like a million times a day. Very spontaneous. Maybe if I ever had the chance to think of it.

Actually my husband is good at spontaneity. He heard about pelicans on the Mississippi and while we were out making the car payment, he suggested taking a side trip to see them. The pelicans were near Quinsippi Island across from the park. A big white flock. We also saw some ducks--ducking. and lots of seagulls. We even saw a few loose cranes and a couple geese. Pelicans fly close to the water, dipping and gliding. Neat.

So what can I do to be spontaneous? I guess planning something defeats the purpose, huh? I'll write about it after I do something.

I'm also doing The Artist's Way. I'm reading the book and writing pages and trying to plan artist's dates--I even have trouble with planned fun. What's so hard about fun? If I figure that out I'll probably have this whole creativity thing figured out too.

My sons are OK

2011-01-25T09:03:00.000-08:00

This past weekend I took a trip from Quincy, Illinois to Green Bay, Wisconsin. My mother in law was hosting a baby shower for our son, his wife and the baby boy (Ayden Michael) who is expected to make his debut in February. Our three oldest sons were together and it was a wonderful time.

My husband almost forgot his meds—that would have been a mistake, but the son that lives near us and drove up separately but at the same time reminded him when he called about meeting for breakfast before the trip. We ended up not forgetting anything important and it was a great trip.

Our youngest son appears to be in episode or under the influence of his, also mentally ill, girlfriend and since he is on probation, he was not included. I have been stressed about his behavior—he seems to have no conscience at all. He stole and pawned his father’s tools while he was living with us and lied until his father found the tools at a pawnshop and threatened to involve police. When we were getting ready to leave, we couldn’t locate our GPS unit and Troy (my bp dh) learned that someone had attempted to pawn one similar to it that day—so police are involved and our son and his girlfriend are suspects. I keep thinking—What did I do wrong to have a son that does this? How did I fail to parent him properly? Being the all-powerful mom, I automatically assume that it’s all my fault and that if I had just…but I don’t know what I should just have done… that everything would be normal.

Anyhow, spending time with my older sons, the sons that saw more of the craziness and less of the disability money, the sons that should probably hate their father and me for staying with him, those older sons seem to have turned out pretty good. They love their father and one another. They were all full of concern that this baby will have everything that they can find for it—picking up any missing things after the baby shower.

The three of them have partners who get along and care about other people. I truly love the girls my boys have brought into this family. There are plans being made for a christening that involve my oldest asking one brother to be the godfather of his son and the other to play guitar and sing at the event. Both are thrilled to travel (it’s a 8-9 hour trip for both of them) for this exciting event.

Knowing that the sons who have the most reason to be damaged are doing fine. It finally is starting to sink in that it’s not poor parenting or even growing up with a bipolar father that is to blame for the craziness in our youngest son. It is probably at least partially genetic—I’m more sure than ever that he has inherited the “crazy gene” from his father but we have no control over that so it’s not our fault. He has also made bad decisions while in episodes and while stable that have set him up for some difficulties. Again, we can counsel him to make good choices and to do the next right thing, but what he does is his responsibility. I guess what I’m saying is that in spite of the fact that my son may be growing into a sociopath, aside from making sure that I’m not enabling his behavior, it really isn’t my fault or responsibility. And at 18 he is still young enough that if he can be persuaded to get help, he can still be turned around. But I can’t be responsible for things I can’t control and my prodigal son is something I can’t control—much as I’d like to.

The moral of this story, for anyone still reading, is that even in a totally chaotic home, with the right mixture of love and one stable parent, it is possible to raise children into healthy, happy, responsible adults. But there are NO guarantees. Who’d believe it?

Bonnie Rice
Author of Love Has Its Ups and Downs
http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/26408
Wife to Troy, BP1
Mother to Michael, Christopher, TJ and Joshua

Happy New Year

2011-01-01T22:24:00.000-08:00

My resolution for this year is to write something every day. I would like to write something for my blog every day, but I will probably do more writing in my notebook on days that I have to work. A more realistic goal for the blog is that I will write something at least once a week--on a day when I'm not working.

I'm not sure what I think about New Year's Resolutions. I know that many people make promises to themselves and few people actually follow through. I don't want to start the new year with a lot of big plans and ideas and not get beyond the planning phase. I do think that a new year is a nice starting point for a project--it is easy to remember the date you started and you don't have to think about how many weeks or months you've spent working on it. It makes the math easier.

How do you keep your resolutions? Do you follow through? Do you skip the whole process? Do you start strong and slow down? I really hate to start this and post this on my blog and then not follow through.

I guess posting here is going to be a part of my motivation. I can't very well post that I'll be writing at least once a week and then not post something new every week. Accountability, whether it is to a close friend or the reading public, is one way to stay motivated.

Simply writing the plan for myself makes it more likely that I will follow through because I have to do more than just let the thought cross my mind to write the plan. I have to think exactly what I want to do--write something that isn't email or a forum post. I have to decide how much I want to do--about a half hour per day, more if I have the time and inclination. I have to decide how much of what I am writing will be for myself and how much will be "published"--most of the writing will be private, but at least one piece a week will be something that I am willing to share online. That's not just a formless idea, that's a plan.

I almost hate to do this because this isn't a polished piece, but I think that it is important that I post this to start my 2011 writing plan. Wish me luck. I'm going to need it. I'm basically lazy.

Why We Stay With a Bipolar Spouse

2010-12-03T22:41:00.000-08:00

We stay because there is always that potential. There is always the possibility that the next med change will bring him back to the one we fell in love with. We stay because sometimes we see that man and sometimes he even sticks around for a while. We stay because we believe in love, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse. We stay because we know what we want and we know that we will never have that same relationship with anyone else and even if we will never have it with him again, we are willing to take that chance. We stay because where there is life there is hope and we have hope.

I second guess myself regularly. I stayed through physical and emotional abuse. I stayed through terrifying psychotic manic episodes and months of living with a zombie. I stayed because I knew that the body-snatchers might return my husband and I didn’t want to miss it. And slowly. With lots of bumps in the road. With ups and downs that would make an astronaut ill. With one medication, then another, new doses, new medications, so slowly that it was physically painful, he emerged from the darkness and like a child learning to walk, he became human again, then disappeared, then emerged, and still…he is back and he wants to share our life and raise our children and be my partner and even though it isn’t always easy and he isn’t always reachable, he keeps struggling and I keep struggling and we are more together than apart.

If I had given up early in the marriage, no one would have blamed me or found fault, but I always knew that I would rather stay and fight than give up. I would rather have him sick than someone else healthy, though having him healthy would be almost too much to even hope for. I have grown stronger and wiser, more patient and tolerant through our struggle and I am thankful for that—if only I could have gained that with less pain, but that isn’t the way it works.

I can’t say if it is worth the effort for you to stay in your relationship or if leaving would be best for you. I can only say that doing the insane thing with an insane person was right for me—so far. Twenty-five years and counting.

Bonnie Rice

Author of Love Has Its Ups and Downs

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/26408

Wife to Troy, BP1

What Should be Given, What Sold?

2010-11-11T07:49:00.000-08:00

Someone just paid $10 for my ebook yesterday. I find it incredible that people are willing to pay for what I write. I have been paid for writing before, but it has always been a website or magazine publisher--not a real person.

I think I'm figuring out what my procrastination is about. What if I publish the book in paperback and nobody buys it? What if it isn't worth the price? What if it's worth the price, but nobody knows it exists? Can I handle the rejection? If just one person reads the book and is helped, isn't that worth the risk? We're not talking about printing 1,000 copies--well I am, but not right away. We're talking about print-on-demand, the no-financial-risk form of book publishing.

I set the ebook up as a sort of trial run. It doesn't cost anything, doesn't require proof copies, no WORD to pdf glitches.I wanted to know if anyone would actually find it and want to pay money for it. It's been up for almost a month now--not terribly wrong in real time, an eternity online, and I've had over 50 people download at least part of the book, nearly 20 went on to get the whole book. Lots of free copies, but that's actually a good thing. Two people chose their own price and bought a copy for real money. I'm guessing that with my forum posts and people who have read the book telling others, that this will keep happening.

I do like the idea that if someone needs the information and doesn't have the money, that they can download the book free and not feel like they are stealing or anything. I think I may be better able to justify selling the paperback copies--which cost real money to produce--as long as there is a free alternative.

I still wonder why I feel vaguely guilty about accepting money for something that is helping people, but I think that as long as I am not limiting my helping to people who are willing and able to pay I can probably justify it to myself.

I hate being the designated sane one--it is SO NOT ME.

Ready to Retire? A Ramble.

2010-09-16T08:15:00.000-07:00

A woman that I work with came back from vacation yesterday and told me that she had a very nice vacation, but that she was ready to come back, not ready to retire, because she missed coming to work. I almost wish I felt that way about work.

I've been ready to "retire" since I started the job. Maybe we just don't see work or retirement the same way, but I'm ready to be on my own all day. I want to be able to work on my writing. I have at three books waiting to be finished and more to be started. I have this blog that I've been neglecting. My website was lost when the free host changed their format--so I'm rebuilding that from the ground up and paying for the domain and the hosting to be sure it doesn't get deleted again. I have way too much to do to have time to miss work.

I might miss some of the people, but there's no law that says I can't drop in from time to time--I work at Walgreens and my husband is on lots of medication, so going back to shop and see everyone isn't a problem.

Of course, I have a long time before I can actually retire. I suppose if the books sell well I could "quit my day job" to focus on the writing, but the combination of an unsteady income and an unstable husband (and overspending is his most destructive symptom) is just too frightening for me.

I have to be the stable one, the consistent breadwinner, the one who calmly sits down and works it all out. I have to be strong.

Next month we will celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary and I am still grieving over the dreams that I had way back then--of being a full-time wife and mother and growing my writing career as the children needed less care over the years. The children are almost all grown up but I am working full-time to pay the bills and struggling to make sense of our life. This is not what I imagined at all. And it's not my fault. I didn't do anything to deserve this. It's not anyone's fault. There was this terrible disorder that stole away my husband so he's not all there all the time and it hurts.

Will I get my life back when I retire? Will that make things seem just a bit more normal? I'm ready to retire--it's just not ready for me.

Publishers' Block

2010-08-02T08:50:00.000-07:00

My book is written, edited, and ready to print, but I just have the feeling that I'm missing something or that when I get the book published there will be some problem that I haven't thought about.

I've thought about everything. I've thought about not selling a single copy after the proof--and I'm not sure that would be so terrible or even possible. I know people are asking to buy a copy, so if the orders just trickle in, I can leave the book available as long as I want and as long as it keeps selling. Not a problem.

I have thought about finding errors in the book after it is printed, but I have so many people reading through it for me that I seriously doubt there will be anything substantial found. And if there is, I just don't promote the book and redo it as a second edition as soon as possible.

I have thought about being exposed as a fraud--because I can't always follow my own advice--and I realize that the book will have to get some serious publicity for that to even become an issue and all things considered, that might be a good thing.

Maybe I just don't want to admit that the book isn't in print because I don't have the $15 for the proof copy that I'll have to order to be sure everything is perfect, but I suspect I'd have found the cash if that were the only problem.

I keep asking people who have written books, "How do you know when the book is ready to be published?" and I really haven't been given a good answer.

So I started reading, I tried looking at books about writing and publishing, but they had nothing about how to tell when a book is ready. I guess that's always been a decision for the publisher or editor before self-publishing became a viable option.

I started reading again, books that jump out from my collection or from the thrift store, books by James Redfield, books by Chaim Potok, books that seem to have nothing to do with writing and publishing. And I get some interesting advice.

I read that knowledge that isn't shared is worthless, that if I have all of this experience and research done, it needs to be given to people who can use it. I read that I need to do what I was put on earth to do, whatever that might be, in order to feel worthwhile. I read that when you wait for everything else to fall into place, you can wait forever, but that if you put yourself out there, everything else will fall into place.

I'd been told that writing the book, that putting that first paragraph on paper and getting started, that keeping at it until the work was completed, that getting all of the words on paper in a satisfactory form was the hard part, but I'm already starting another book. Compared to finishing, starting is easy. Setting up an outline, filling in the paragraphs, giving a message, it doesn't phase me a bit. I will probably havet the other book on my website before I have my website fully set up. I just hope I can get one book in print before I am struggling to get the second into print.

Sometimes I wonder, who IS the crazy one in this house? Sometimes I'm sure it's me.

Do Something Nice for Yourself

2009-08-09T19:15:00.000-07:00

If you have trouble doing something nice for yourself because you feel like you don’t have the time, don’t have the money, or don’t even know where to start—STOP!

You are looking for fun in all the wrong places. You don’t need to steal resources from the family in order to treat yourself to a bit of happiness. Having done parenting, poverty, and general insanity I feel somewhat qualified to offer a list of ideas to get you started in finding ways to put on your own oxygen mask first—how to give to yourself so that you have something left to give to others.

1.) Nature therapy: go out into a yard or park and actually look at the flowers and the birds and the small animals—it may help you to focus if you have a camera or if you take a sketch pad, but those things are purely optional. A walk in the woods is calming if you have a woods nearby. A walk on the beach is nice too, if there aren’t a lot of people there.

2.) Create a nature sanctuary: a bird feeder or bird house to attract the type of bird that makes you smile could be a very worthwhile investment. You can always make one yourself or find one at a thrift store or yard sale.

3.) You can plant a garden and grow things to eat with your family. Or just grow pretty flowers.

4.) Art/Craft therapy: grab the camera, the sketch pad, scraps of materials, a notebook, yarn, whatever you enjoy working with. Start small or make something that you’d buy otherwise if money is an issue.

5.) Performance art therapy: Sing, dance, play an instrument. Whether it’s karaoke night or guitar lessons or just singing loudly in the shower, perform with all of your might.

6.) Bake: cookies, bread, cakes, or crème brulee. Get creative in the kitchen. I hate having to cook a family dinner every night, but I have fun doing special things. I’ve even invested in some specialized equipment for the kitchen.

7.) Read: The library is a nice source of free books, and there are thrift shops and yard sales where you can grow your own library with pocket change. I used to find books during the library story time—while the little ones were busy listening to stories.

8.) Don’t buy the tools and materials for your next project, borrow them. Check out http://Neighborrow.com and share books, small appliances and tools with other people in your area. Just looking at the list of things you can borrow in your neighborrowhood might inspire you to try something new.

9.) Go to SecondLife.com and create a whole new life for yourself. You can even create a new YOU. Travel the world at the click of a mouse button and meet interesting people or see the sights on your own.

10.) If you enjoy a nice long hot bath, try adding some nice bubble bath and a few candles around the tub, then lotion and powder for afterwards. Watch for sales on bath and spa items and create an oasis in your bathroom. Watch for after-Christmas sales for supplies. You can find nice sets to do your own manicure and pedicure—much less expensive than paying to have it done.

11.) Pet therapy: if you have a pet in the house, take some time to talk to the animals—petting or brushing a cat or dog is very relaxing (unless you let things get out of hand or you take a long haired dog for a walk in the woods) and even a goldfish will listen politely to all of your problems, never argue with you, and keep your secrets.

12.) Devotions: even if you do a devotional with the family, try getting up a few minutes early or carving a few minutes of time somewhere else and spending the time in prayer and Bible reading. You can get calendars or join an email list to get a verse or two every day.

13.) Write pages: I started doing this when I read The Artist Way. Write three pages every morning of stream of consciousness stuff. This gets all those mangled thoughts and worries out of your head and onto paper so you can deal with them or forget them. I don’t think there is any magic in the three pages that she assigns, but it is long enough that you have to write something more than: “Here I am writing my stupid pages again. I can’t think of a thing to say. Why did I ever decide to start doing this?”

14.) Develop any passion that you might have. You don’t have to make a career out of it, but don’t rule it out. Just take one small step toward your impossible dreams and remember that nothing is impossible with God. Take one class at the local community college, read a book and actually follow the advice, talk to others who share your passion. Tomorrow you can take another step.

15.) Call or visit an old friend. I just found my best friend from grade school online and have been getting reacquainted. It’s easy to lose track of people we care about when we get overwhelmed with our own life. Take a few minutes and look up that old friend and have a nice chat. Or make a new friend—call someone interesting from church or work or the neighborhood.

16.) Listen to music that makes you feel good while you work around the house. Most of the radios in the house are set to my husband’s favorite type of music, but I know where my stations are and I also have some recorded music.

17.) Hang the laundry on a clothesline. I call it my solar-wind powered clothes drier. Nobody bothers you while you hang laundry because they are afraid you’ll get them to help. It’s quiet and outside and it saves on the energy bills. Nothing like a little fresh air and exercise to make you feel alive. My mother always liked mowing the lawn—nobody bothers you when you are mowing the lawn.

18.) Take a nap in the afternoon. The world will probably keep revolving all on its own.

19.) Make a list of things that YOU like to do and find ways of doing them like I am doing with this list. I’m sure there are things that would make you happy that wouldn’t work for me or that I just haven’t thought to include. Make a list of ideas and keep it handy.

20.) Do nothing. My last vacation was spent at home doing nothing. I’ve never enjoyed a vacation more. I watched birds, splashed in the backyard pool, read books under a tree, and ate salads and sandwiches and things my husband cooked on the grill—on paper plates.

Bonnie Rice
http://getolife.com/bipolar.aspx
Try http://neighborrow.com/signup.php?ref=4770

Directions

2009-08-02T19:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it feels like life is going in a million different directions. I really want to hear the voice of God like Samuel in the night--clear and compelling. Instead I hear a cacophony of voices with very little that I can make out or understand. I want direction--not arrows pointing in every direction. No fair.

I feel like I may be slipping into a depression, it could also be the mold growing under the house from a leak in the bath tub drain, or another allergic reaction, but I am not feeling just right. Now sometimes that means that I'm coming down with something, but usually it means that there is a path laid out for me and I'm going in the wrong direction. This is what I get instead of that still small voice that I want--flu symptoms? How is that supposed to work?

I know I've been working altogether too many Sunday mornings lately and that it's not fair to work fewer because the department hours are being divided between myself and one other person, but I just don't function well without my Sunday School and church. I want to have more involvement at the church, but it's hard on the every other week schedule.

Now the family services director position is open at the church and I've been seriously thinking about taking it. Unfortunately, it has become a part-time position and I can't quit my day job to work part-time. Part of me says: go ahead and apply and if you get the job, you can work it out with the manager at Walgreens. Part of me says: you can't apply for a second job when you barely have time for a life already. I really think that I'd like a full-time position in ministry, and that this is a way to get a foot in the door. I don't know.

I haven't touched my resume' in over 10 years and I'm not sure I even remember what I did before Walgreens. I guess my education and volunteer work would probably count more for this position than some of the retail stuff or the homes for the developmentally disabled.

What if the people who are in charge of hiring think I'm crazy to apply--I have to see them at church. I'm on the Christian Education Committee, for crying out loud. What if the pastor thinks I'm overstepping?

Well, I guess I'll work on that resume' and see what happens. What's the worst they can do. If I don't apply I still don't get the job. If I do, maybe....

Pray for me to make a decision for myself.

Bonnie

Mantras for BPSOs

2009-07-24T05:08:00.000-07:00

Someone just wrote that one of the lines in a post ought to be her mantra for dealing with the stuff that is going on in her life and it occurred to me that we all go through periods when a little saying or truism that sticks in our minds would really be useful.

If you haven't learned them already, try out some of these lines from a bipolar significant other support list.

I didn't cause it; I can't control it; and I can't cure it.
The truth about mental illness is that it just happens. When you take responsibility for something that you have no power over, you end up feeling guilty and frustrated because you are trying to fix something when it isn't even possible.

Have a great life anyways!
Part of life is the circumstances we live in, but the greater part is in our response to those circumstances. This is the equivalent to the New Testament exhortation to "Rejoice evermore."

I'm not losing my mind, I'm having a perfectly normal response to a totally abnormal situation.
Ok, sometimes you just catch yourself saying or doing something that seems totally off the wall. You've been pushed to your limits and you're pushing back in ways that make you cringe. When dealing with mental illness, you often find yourself in situations that seem a bit surreal: arguments that go in circles, checking up on someone you should be able to trust, struggling to help someone who doesn't seem to want help. Instead of thinking about how ridiculous your behavior has become, consider the cause and you may come to the conclusion that your ridiculous behavior is perfectly normal in that context.

Put on your own oxygen mask before you try to help anyone else.
When you get on an airplane, this line is part of the safety speech before take-off. The natural thing for a parent to do when the oxygen masks come down is to make sure their children are wearing theirs first, but if the parent passes out from lack of oxygen, both parent and child can be lost. Even if the child does pass out while the parent is struggling with the equipment, he will often be resuscitated as soon as the oxygen gets into his lungs. This concept extends to the rest of life when caring for other people. If you allow yourself to get so run down that you can't function, if you don't put your own health and safety first, you may not have the strength to help others.

It's not about you!
When someone tells you that life would be perfect if only you would ______ (fill in the blank), it is easy to fall into the pattern of thinking that all of the trouble in your life is your own fault. While we all want to believe that we have the power to control what happens to us, we have to accept that our power is limited. You may have some self-defeating behaviors, but much of life just isn't about you. There are other factors and other people at work in the world, and in your life, and you may have little or no power to change the situation. If you can see that doing something differently might help, go for it. But if what you are being told to do doesn't make sense or if you really are doing the best you can already--cut yourself some slack. It's not about you.

Final Edits Never End

2009-07-14T08:13:00.000-07:00

Love Has Its Ups And Downs is finally finished--but I've had trouble with pages printing properly--the page numbers start on the wrong side of the page--so I've had to look through to make sure there aren't any blank pages that don't belong. Simple process, no?

Every time I page through I find something that doesn't seem clear enough, a rough transition, a word that doesn't feel right.

After losing a few blank pages, the book has become two pages longer than it was. When I write articles, they get shorter in editing, but this book has taken on a life of its own.

I do get a lot done while I'm editing. It's not like writing, when I write I get locked in and write for hours on end: I take lots of breaks when I edit. I finished all of the dishes, including pots and pans that have been soaking; I cleaned up the construction zone in the bathroom and marked tiles so my husband can get motivated to finish the floor; I took photos in the backyard to post on my facebook page; I took my son to get his Social Security Card so he can get his drivers license; I will do anything to avoid editing when I'm editing.

Today I am taking the whole day off. I am not going to work on the book at all. I am going to work on press releases and networking for selling the book when it is available. I'm self-publishing with print on demand, so I won't have advance notice that the book will be available on a set date--it will be available when I get a proof copy that I can approve. I can't send out any announcements until I am sure of that date, but I can write them and address them.

I am reviewing a book that was obviously self-published and it has a lot of punctuation errors in it. That makes the English major side of me cringe every time. I am so grateful to have found an editor who helped me straighten out my commas and dashes and colons. I hope I haven't let too many errors creap back in since I started fixing the page problems. I ought to know better, but I write like I talk and nobody talks with good punctuation and grammar all of the time without sounding like they are reading their lines. I do not want this book to scream "vanity press" when educated people read it.

Time to go out and forget about writing books for a while.

Bonnie

Mania is looking pretty good now..

2009-06-05T09:02:00.001-07:00

It gets "better" or worse or something. Yesterday I spent the whole afternoon-from about 11:30 to almost 6 sitting in the hospital waiting for them to admit Troy because his suicidal thoughts are bothering him.

When he finally gets to the part where he signs the paperwork, he tries to back out. They told him that he would have to convince the doctor that he was alright or he would be involuntarily admitted. So he went along peacefully.

I had signed up for a class at the library at 6:00 (medicinal herbs) and Troy told me that I should go ahead and go, that I could miss the 6-7pm visiting hours since we had spent my whole day off at the hospital and I needed the break. He did want me to get some clothes together (he didn't think about that before he went in?) and bring them to him-nothing with strings or anything dangerous-but clean socks and underwear, some jeans and T-shirts.

I'd already washed some things and put in another load before leaving for the class. Told the kids I'd be out for an hour or two and to start dinner without me if they got hungry.

I went to the class on my scooter (I think I am now known as the crazy scooter lady because I drive the thing in all weather unless it's pouring rain when I leave for work-can't work in wet clothes).

The speaker has a bit of laryngitis, so she's talking in whispers and about quarter to seven my phone rings-I run out of the room to answer it-it'sChris wondering if I need a ride home. I'm going to be here at least a while longer, so I'll call if the weather is bad when I want to come home. I'm fine.

I get back to my seat and they are passing around samples of herbs, dried herbs, tinctures, teas, etc. to show how herbs are preserved and used.

She's talking about the things you can do to stay healthy: like limiting stress-doI laugh or cry at this point?-and some recipes for "tonics" to clean out your digestive system and some antioxidants to boost immunity.

Another half hour and I get another phone call-rush out of the room-a cellphone is really loud when the class is being held at a whisper, even with the microphone.

It's Troy wondering when we will be bringing his clothes.He's spent the afternoon in hospital clothes and wants real clothes. I explain that I'm in the class I was planning to go to and that I'd have his clothes in the morning.

I'm really interested in the class, but it's hard to focus. Good thing there are take-home notes. I'm sure the instructor thinks I'm crazy or rude or something, but I just had my husband admitted to the mental ward-it's not exactly a normal day.

By the time the class ends, I am noticing that the rain is slowing down and I'm hoping that I can get home on my scooter before it starts pouring again. I go through some frantic searching for the keys-last time I lost the keys, the scooter disappeared. Deep breaths. Found the keys, got home, the washer didn't do quite the spin cycle it is supposed to do and Troy's jeans are dripping, but I wring them a bit in myhands and toss them into the dryer.

Josh, 16, has found a "salamander" at the park and wants to go to the pet store for food. It's after 8 and the pet store might be closing, besides we have no idea what this thing eats. Pack it up, take it along, see if the pet store people can guess. The only person at the pet store is a kid Josh's age-I'm sure there's a manager somewhere, but nowhere in sight. We buy a bag of tiny crickets and cross our fingers.

The "salamander" turns out to be a skink-after considerable internetresearch-whole different category, from amphibian to reptile, but the same diet-there are a few positive things in my life still. He refuses to eat anything in front of us, but he should survive. Josh discovers that the bottom of our old tank is totaled, so he takes the thing to the neighbor'shouse where they have a big empty tank he can live in for now.I'm tired so I start getting ready for bed.

Realize that it's 11pm and Josh needs to get to bed-not an easy person to wake in the morning for school. He doesn't answer his phone and Dawn offers to go get him from the neighbor'shouse. He comes home in a huff-why do I have to be in bed so early (excuse me?Early? It's almost midnight!) and he slams the door.

A few minutes later Chris goes into his room to ask how the skink is doing and discovers. noJosh. Now Chris is mad and screaming. Runs over to the neighbor's house.Josh reappears in his other brother's downstairs bedroom with even moreattitude than before. I'm too tired to deal with this-could everyone pleasejust get to bed?The alarm rings, I swear, the minute my head hits the pillow.

Time to getJosh up. He seems to be moving, but I have to keep at him or he'll fall back into bed. Never mind-there went the bus.

I drive Josh to school and when I'm just two blocks from home the car stalls at the corner. The gas gage is on empty. I knew that. Why didn't I just stopfor gas? Mind not in gear. Call home. No one answers. A man in a work van pulls up behind me and offers to push me off the road so I can go get help.See, another good thing.

I get home and TJ is just getting up. He has a Jeep with a broken gas gage,so he has a 5 gallon gas can he can take and get gas for the car. Off to thegas station. $10 worth of gas and the thing starts right up. Yep, life is good.

Get home in time to realize that Troy's jeans still aren't quite dry and Ihave to get to work. Set the dryer heavy and ask TJ if he will drop the stuff off when the jeans get dry. I'm pretty sure they are worried that mom will crash and burn at any minute, so he agreed to get the stuff to his dad as soon as possible.

It's pouring rain, so I take the car to work for the first time in months-at least I know it has gas.

Work was pretty quiet-an oasis-until a police officer shows up in mydepartment and asks to talk to me about my son. What son? What did he do now? Is this a conspiracy?

Josh is somehow involved with a cell phone being stolen at school. He didn't steal it and he only knows who did it based on the rumors at the school, but they need to talk to him and he refuses to talk without a parent.

OK, you can talk to him-but do not make him crazy.We've had a hard week.An hour or so later I get a call from TJ-Josh has called the police and told the whole story, including naming the person he believes took the phone.Josh is out of trouble with the police.

Sigh.

I've had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Do you think there's room in Australia?

Just another day in paradise...

2009-06-05T08:47:00.000-07:00

I don't know if this is funny or sad or what, but I have to share my day. I knew it would be an interesting day because Troy (bipolar husband) had beencomplaining about suicidal thoughts and was contemplating the hospital.

Iasked him to make me a dental appointment, because I had a toothache and with 10 hour days and no phone that dials out, it is easier for him-so I knew he would call and let me know when the appointment is.

My 18 year old son mentioned that his younger brother had been texting him that he didn'tfeel well and asking him to pick him up from school-he gets there about an hour before I leave for work and already he's complaining before I leave.Yeah, just your average day.

So I start getting phone calls about an hour after I get to work-Troy,telling me that he's going to leave the phone at home if he goes to theemergency room and will take the truck if he finds the keys so I can have the car if they keep him. He's still not sure he wants to go.

Maybe twenty minutes later-Josh (youngest son, diagnosed as ADHD, but doing an excellent imitation of depressive episode these days) whining that his stomach is turning and he's getting a headache and he can't concentrate anyways.

I talk to the school nurse and she tells me that he already has too many absences and he will need a doctor's excuse to miss another day of school. Since I know that depression is not exactly contagious and that what he is describing is exactly what he's had in the past, I suggest that he tryto tough it out, rest in the nurse's office and at least get his homework for his classes and do what he can.

He's not exactly happy, but he'll try.About an hour after that--TJ (older son) calls to ask if he needs to go pick up his brother. I tell him that he's trying to get through the rest of the day and will text him if he needs to come home.

It occurs to me that "home"is not exactly the best place to be since there is already one depressed person there, but....

Troy calls just before lunch-he couldn't get an appointment on one of mydays off, but I have one at 7:30 in the morning on the one weekday next weekthat I work the full ten hours. Not exactly what I was hoping, but you don't turn down a dental appointment when you have a tooth ache. Fine.

Shortly after lunch-Josh calls back, he's not getting better and he really wants to go home. I talk to the nurse and tell her that if he can't beproductive at school, he may as well have his brother pick him up.By the time I get home at 7:30pm, Josh is helping Chris (his 21 year old brother)polish Chris' car. I ask what he's going to do about missing school. Hetells me that it was almost the end of the day anyways, so he didn't call for a ride. Fine.

I come inside, half expecting to see the phone in Troy's chair, but there he is. He tells me that he did get up and out today-took Josh to mow a lawn fora lady from church, took Josh to softball practice-busy kid for being so sick.

Troy still feels depressed and miserable, but doesn't want to go tothe hospital because he doesn't think there is much they can do for him. Suicidal thoughts DO worry me, but his thoughts are not well-formed and he is the one who suggested the hospital, so I know he doesn't want to follow through on them, so he can spend another day in his chair. I don't think dynamite would move him.

I didn't do much of anything today besides working my usual ten hour shiftas a cosmetics clerk at Walgreen Drug, but I feel tired. Can't imagine why.

Bonnie Rice http://getolife.com/bipolar.aspx Wife of Troy,BP1 and on Lithium, Depakote, Seroquel and VytorinMother to Josh, 16, ADHD and on Melatonin and Concerta for nowMother to TJ, 19, left college because there was no work in MI (it's true)Mother to Chris, 21, considering the ArmyMother to Michael, 22, married and in WI with his wife and grandmother.Try http://neighborrow.com/signup.php?ref=4770

Faith

2006-11-13T11:59:00.000-08:00

I was shopping for books and heard a familiar voice. "Stop reading and start writing" it said. I hear this a lot lately and I'm getting sick and tired of it. Since I can't think of another way to stop that voice, I'm writing. I was supposed to write a book, but I can always use the things I post to this site as chapters in a book when there are enough of them.

Sometimes I feel like I'm running as fast as I can in the dark. I don't expect to know how things are going to turn out or what the future holds, but I feel like I am being guided but am not sure where I'm going. If I were running my own life, I would have an end in mind and a plan to reach it. Without that, it just doesn't feel comfortable.

I know God led the people of Isreal for 40 years in the desert before taking them to the promised land, and that it was everything they had dreamed of when they got there, but I am not an Old Testament Jew, I'm a 21st century American. We value our freedom because it gives us control. It's very hard for me.

I come from a very ordinary family. My parents are still together. I had a very Mayberry childhood. I grew up expecting to have a working husband, a home of my own, and the freedom to take care of my family and home full-time. I have no problem with working a bit to help out, but I want to be available for my children.

I married a guy who had a different childhood, but many of the same ideas and values. I was going to be a stay-home mom and he would earn enough to support us all.

But he started going through jobs like there is no tomorrow. After the first few years, he could not keep a job through Christmas for anything. It made for some really bad holidays.

He was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. That explains some of the domestic violence issues we had early in the marriage and also the work problems. He has a mental health disability that makes it impossible for him to be the sole or primary bread-winner.

Our whole life went upside down and worse. Not only could he never totally support the family again, but he can't do the at-home job either. If I don't do it, chances are good it won't get done. I don't like that. It leaves me with a lot of work and not much to show for it. I expected to be living well by now, but we are in worse shape financially and housekeepingwise than we were when the boys were toddlers. He is afraid of crowds--so he can't go to most school functions. He refuses to attend teacher conferences. Those things were always my responsibility.

The problem is that I am doing his job and mine, too. That's too much for one person. So I do it all with God's help because otherwise I couldn't do it at all. I have faith that God will bring us through this and that eventually I will have a home and some security. I have faith, but I don't have a home and I don't have much security.

I'm waiting.

I'm waiting.

"Write a book and sell it for the money to buy a house. "

"Who are we kidding here--houses are expensive, books are cheap"

"Just do it"

"Who? Me?"

"OK"